The Value of Relationships

You can be a Winner at the Game of Life

Distractions can be problematic. Chasing distractions can soothe the hole in your soul but they can never fill it. (For reference, nothing can.) People try to fill up their own lack of purpose with many things; belongings, careerism, romantic relationships, diversions and entertainments, alcohol and drugs. Today we are going to talk about relationships.

When it comes to relationships, I am sure you all know that there is always someone else. There is always someone better; more attractive, more intelligent, more successful, wealthier. The problem with starting over is this; even new beginnings and fresh starts get old and stale. The same newness, the same eventual emergence of your personality flaws. The problem is not the other person, the problem is you are looking for something that the other person (or thing or distraction) cannot give you and when you realize that, you start to lose interest and look for the next shiny thing.

Sometimes, we turn to someone else not because there is anything particularly wrong with our someone but we grow tired of the tangled web woven by our choices, our lack of relationship and communication skills, our own dissatisfaction, and our own lack of purpose. We see this as resulting from the other person in our life. They don't inspire us like they used to. Now that we see them from all sides, the polish has worn off and underneath, they are just another person, small and inadequate. So, why not insert a different person who will at first seem magnificent and beautiful. Someone who will put forth their best foot on every occasion (well, at least for the first year or two). Someone who will not let us down, at least initially, and someone who will help us realize our own potential...

Now, for the ten million dollar question....

Who wants to be eighty with ten million dollars in assets?

Ok now, who wants to be eighty with a string of divorces (five or is it now six?) behind them, an estranged wife, no true friends, and children who visit only out of a sense of duty? Who wants children whose lives are constantly teetering on the brink of, falling into or climbing out of disaster? Who wants grandchildren who don't have a relationship with their parents or grandparents, and only call when they need something like money or a lift. Who wants to have nobody to turn to when bad news comes knocking? Who wants to grow old, broken in body and full of regrets?

Pretty grim, right? Now, let's imagine a different scenario, also beginning with ten million dollars in assets. Who wants to be eighty and married to the love of their life; their best friend and ideal partner. Who wants a few true friends, children who visit or at least call weekly? Who wants grandchildren to enliven and energize old spirits and soak up our wise words? Who wants children who are contented, healthy and wealthy? Who wants adult children who lead their own lives, are both strong and kind and who are known and respected in their communities? Who wants deep love, patience, and a steady hand to hold through life's storms? How many of us really want to be seen and known? How many can allow ourselves to truly love and to be truly loved?

Both of our characters achieved over ten million in assets by the age of eighty. That is a great accomplishment. They both had an exceptional work ethic and worked until the age of seventy before retiring. One of them even joined the Army Reserves after enrolling and serving in the military to get a start in life. They both had the foresight and self-discipline to put money aside in retirement accounts, as well as the acuity to forego immediate gratification (spending every penny) to navigate the purchase and sale of appreciating assets like real estate, rare metals, stocks, bonds and other financial instruments. They both made smart money moves and set themselves up for a cascade of income sources in retirement. They probably pay more in annual taxes than many earn in annual income.

We can safely assume that either one could fly into orbit or buy a yacht if that were on their bucket list. They have numerous options. One character's outlook on the future is uncertain. They might move to another state and try to rebuild a life and relationship, depending on whether their estranged partner decides to give them another shot. Or, if that falls through, they might stay where they are. The future is uncertain. The living place is uncertain, the relationships are uncertain. They are unmoored but hey, they have a lot of money. The problem is, money can't buy love.

The second character already knows what their future holds. They and their partner will continue to do what they have been doing all along. Living, loving, cherishing and protecting their family and home. They may make more contributions to charity this year, take an international trip, install some raised beds for gardening or take up an art or woodworking class. Those are the uncertainties in their lives.

What is the difference, if you have all that money and can do whatever you want, who cares if you are alone or have raised a wholesome family that loves and supports you?

Clearly, hard work and self-discipline are not the deciding factors between these two outcomes. They both worked until the age of seventy and accumulated ten million dollars in assets. Anyone can do that. It is actually quite easy. All you have to do, is do the things you don't necessarily want to do but that you know need to be done.

What are the factors that contribute to a life well-lived, a fulfilled life? I know what it takes to be successful in a career and successful at personal finance. Thinking about a successful life; a happy life, I have come up with five factors that, funnily enough overlap with the factors that support personal finance but are not encompassed by it. They are both internal factors; attitudes and wisdom, if you will and external; the situations we create and people with whom we associate that either adorn our lives or drag us down. Let's understand and master these factors so in addition to winning at the money game, we can win at life.

Internal Factors

Humility; look at the stars from a dark place, contemplate the sea. Be humbled by the majesty of nature and the perseverance of time. Read old books for perspective on humanity. Treat others with dignity and respect but not at your own expense. Know that your needs are not paramount in the world. Value the needs of others nearly on par with your own. It costs nothing to speak respectfully to others. It is good to let them know if they have mistaken your kind words as an invitation to impose upon you. When your partner is annoying, humility shows us that we can may have habits that are annoying, too. Decide whether it is worth addressing and if so, positively communicate what you would like to change.

Humility teaches us to honor our commitments, the better parts of ourselves, above our impulses, which can be the worse parts of ourselves. Humility teaches us that we have an obligation to guide and protect our children both by example and with our leadership. Their needs are no less important than your needs or desires. Furthermore, humility should teach us that while one day you may be the 'better option.' Tomorrow, it could be someone else.

Temperance or Self-restraint; The ability to wait out an impulse in order to evaluate it from different perspectives allows time for our better judgement to kick in. This allows both kindness and humility to inform our decisions regarding those flirty eyes at the office. We can restrain and redirect our thoughts towards others. When we are impatient, we take another breath. When we are in conversation, we listen to hear the other person, instead of for our turn to talk.

Kindness; fundamentally, kindness and caring -whether about oneself or others is all the same in the end. All good choices are founded upon kindness. This is not endless giving and tolerance of others but a kind word and a firm hand. Boundaries are a kindness because they instruct our children in developing their own good qualities of humility and temperance. Kindness is telling your children no and showing them that many things that feel good in the moment, can have immediate, long-lasting and unforeseeable consequences. Boundaries are there to protect us from the worst of these landmines. Switching perspectives, boundaries instruct others about how we will be treated, which leads to better satisfaction with our relationships, friends and partners.

External Factors

Family Ties -know your values and be able to enumerate them so you can ensure you teach them to your children. Respect your elders and be a respectable elder. Be the parent in your relationship with your child. Set the boundaries and enforce them with diligence, love and respect. Not only will you teach your child how to love and take care of themselves and treat others with kindness, they will also recognize a loving partner when the meet them and they won't fall for the first person who promises them the moon. They will have the internal frame of reference to discern between good values in action and a so much stuff and nonsense.

Communities -find supportive communities; look to team sports, social, and hobby based groups, or faith and service oriented organizations. These all provide accountability and consistency in our lives, anchoring them in showing up for others.

Which character would you like to be and which type of character are you becoming? Don't equate the immutability of the past with the present and future. The past is not an excuse for not changing today or not trying to become a better person tomorrow.